What Da Fu-
by OneShotMasta
Summary: In honor of the Sea of Monsters Movie, a reaction parody of the PJO cast reacting to the first and (now) second movie. Not meant to be taken seriously. Minor swearing
1. The Lightning Thief

**In honor of the Sea of Monsters which is coming out tomorrow I am doing a 'React' one-shot were the PJO characters react to the first movie, so yeah enjoy!**

**I ACTUALLY DID NOT HATE THE MOVIE AS MUCH AS IM IMPLYING THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!**

**Disclaimer: You know the drill…**

* * *

**What Da Fu—**

* * *

_**Percy Jackson**_

My dad doesn't have a tattoo, and he wouldn't dramatically rise out of the sea, dramatics are Zeus' job.

Why am I seventeen?

Pretty sure my eyes are green.

I can stay under water for a longer time than that.

I can't get wet.

Um, not that I mind that scene being taken out of the movie, but where is Clarisse?

Luke is supposed to be around seven years older than me.

Don't remember that face off with Luke happening.

This is a movie… This is a _movie?_

* * *

_**Annabeth Chase**_

Not that I mind being portrayed as a bad ass or anything, but why am I a brunette.

Where's my dagger?

I'm a blonde.

I was on Percy's team during that Capture the Flag Game.

My hair is curly.

Since when do I use a bow and arrow?

Um, let's see… yep I have blonde, curly hair, and I am supposed to be twelve.

My dad?

The beads?

Thalia?

The Exploding Bus?

The Gateway arc?

The Mist?!

We couldn't drive, we were underage.

Hydra, since when, I'm pretty sure that happens in the next book.

Seaweed Brain wishes he could control water that well back then.

The Helm of Darkness?

THE PROPHECY FOR THE QUEST?

The Oracle?!

Well at least they got me being the Daughter of Athena right.

* * *

_**Grover Underwood**_

Um, not to sound racist or anything, but since was I _black_?

Why am I portrayed as a player?

High school without the musical… really?

ENCHILADAS? Where are the enchiladas?

I… I can't dance.

I honestly can't really drive either.

Ugh, Juniper will kill me.

* * *

_**Medusa**_

How does the Daughter of Athena and the satyr hit me with a car when their eyes are closed?

Seems a little bit too convenient.

* * *

_**Clarisse La Rue**_

Where.

Am.

I?

* * *

_**Thalia**_

Where.

Am.

I?

* * *

_**Thalia's Pine Tree**_

Where.

Am.

I?

* * *

_**Quest Prophecy**_

Where.

Am.

I?

* * *

_**Great Prophecy**_

Where.

Am.

I?

* * *

_**Travis and Connor Stoll**_

Where.

Are.

We?

* * *

_**Half the Percy Jackson Cast**_

Where.

Are.

We?

* * *

_**Luke Castilian**_

Honestly I can't say much, I look damn fine in the movie and in real life… wait since when did I face off against Percy in New York? Wasn't that a scene in the last book? *reads script* and wasn't I supposed to be manipulating Ares into doing my bidding?

What?

Is?

Going?

On?

And damn, I wish I had all that shit in my room… if you don't remember part of the reason I defected was because my cabin was so damn full of campers all the time; because those damn Olympians wouldn't get off their lazy asses to claim their damn children!

Where's my scar?

Thalia? Where's Thalia, isn't she important, and one of the reasons I defected?

I met my father (unfortunately).

Kronos anyone?

*Sigh* The next movie better get their shit together.

* * *

_**Ares**_

Where.

Am.

I?

* * *

_**Zeus**_

That mortal is supposed to be playing me?

What happened to my well-trimmed black beard, and electric blue eyes?

My Daughter?

The Great Prophecy?

The Big Three?

ME?

My Master Bolt also does not look like cheap CG effects.

My exit was horrible.

* * *

_**Poseidon**_

I.

Do.

Not.

Have.

A.

Tattoo.

… Or at least a visible one.

* * *

_**Hades**_

Need I say anything?

* * *

_**Persephone**_

Why am I a slut?

* * *

_**Demeter**_

Why is Persephone a slut, isn't that Aphrodite's job… gah this movie is giving me a headache, I need cereal.

* * *

_**Artemis**_

Why am I played by a twenty year old looking mortal?

* * *

_**Aphrodite**_

First off, my outfit, ew, togas were so, 800 B.C. and for the record I am much prettier than that.

* * *

_**Apollo**_

Dashing blue eyes?

No.

Bright sunny blonde hair?

No.

Nice abs and fabulous smile?

No.

Yep, that guy looks nothing like me.

And hold on; let's get this straight, Percy rescued Grover from sex with a hot chick from the Underworld?

…

…

…

I name Logan Lerman the biggest clock block in the history of the world.

* * *

_**Dionysus**_

Not that I care or anything, but where am I?

* * *

_**Hephaestus**_

Tch, living organisms, Aphrodite's soap operas are better than this.

* * *

_**Iris**_

Oh Iris Goddess of Rainbows, they didn't use your messages in this movie, they instead used phones that attract monsters that the Directors conveniently forgot to mention in the film.

* * *

_**Hermes**_

For the record Luke did meet me before… sure it wasn't a good meeting, but hey I saw him!

And honestly, I couldn't tell the difference between Apollo and me.

Also since when was the whole Olympian council attending this meeting?

* * *

**_Kronos_**

Tartarus?

Me?

Perseus was supposed to have a dream of me, yes?

Me?

The shoes?

Me?

I better be in the next damn movie.

* * *

_**Athena**_

War, is not the answer, really?

I don't have an accent.

I wasn't in attendance at this meeting.

My hair is black.

I do not wear a toga.

This whole movie is inaccurate to the real events.

Demigods must learn to read Greek the letters don't float around like that.

Did the director even read the book?

* * *

**_Sally Jackson_**

Well, I can't really say anything... I'm perfect... and so was Gabe... sadly.

* * *

**Haha, but seriously I thought Sally was the only person who was amazingly casted.**

**But all in all, movie, I give you 3 stars, just cause Logan Lerman is cute, and Alexandra Daddario is pretty. I'm seeing the movie tomorrow, so I really hope it's worth the money cause if it's not then… bleh! I'll prob continue this! So yeah SPOILER ALERT next chapter!**

**-OSM**


	2. They Continued this Sh—

**Hey all so I'm back.**

**I saw the Sea of Monsters, and I have to admit it was good… when you got past it was nothing like the book… again.**

**Ok they at least improved, but they revealed the freaking GREAT PROPHECY!**

**Adoinvnhroewnroewnwnponrqp, so anyways you like OCCness and alright fight scenes go see the Sea of Monsters.**

**If you don't, do not watch it.**

**Disclaimer: … If you think I own PJO do me a favor and punch yourself for me.**

* * *

**They Continued this Sh—**

* * *

_Percy Jackson_

Why is Clarisse… you know what never mind.

Also Clarisse _never _beat me _that _bad in hero exercises.

Who's the satyr never, saw, or heard of him… Oh Gods they're adding OC's into the movie aren't they?

Grover was supposed to be looking for Pan, Luke didn't abduct him, and then somehow take him to the Cyclops.

…

…

I was supposed to meet Tyson at school.

My mom? Where is she?

20? Really? The guy looks like he's already 20, and the prophecy said 16 by the way.

I didn't find out about the Prophecy until I WAS FIFTEEN!

Hermes convinced me to go on the Quest, I didn't go to him.

Oh, gods that's supposed to be Thalia? Ugh, I don't want to be around when she finds out.

Xx

_Annabeth Chase_

Well they got my hair right… and that's about it.

No, wait, I'm still the Daughter of Athena. That's two things, congratulations new director.

Sooo no explanation why my hair changed?

Sigh… Kronos being released? Really? Me almost dying cliché too, huh?

I swear Chiron was played by a different actor last movie.

Clarisse would never—no matter the situation—give up that easily.

ALSO THAT'S CLARISSE!?

We can't use phones.

iPads didn't exist back then.

Tantalus?

Gods, that's not Thalia.

ALSO THE CYCLOPS DIDN'T CHASE US TO CAMP! WE WERE CAPTURED AND HELD UP, NOT CHASED BY CYCLOPS!

Xx

_Silena Beurguard_

They revealed me already?

Ok, I'm not proud of it, but you didn't find out I was a traitor till the last book, soooo what are they going to do now?

Also Chris and Clarisse are supposed to get together… and they just killed him I think.

Xx

_Grover Underwood_

PAN?

PAN?

PAN?

WHERE'S MY QUEST FOR PAN!?

I DIDN'T GET CAPTURED BY LUKE!?

WHAT IS THIS?

And I can't have ambrosia, only halfbloods, and Gods can! Do the Directors even do research!?

Xx

_Tyson._

I don't look like that.

Mist don't come in spray can.

Where was mean director man.

Where was the chariot race?

Where was the peanut butter!?

Xx

_Tantalus_

Where am I?

Xx

_Chris Rodriguez_

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

So, did I just like get eaten by _Kronos_?

Oh, ok I thought the last movie was bad, but this takes the cake.

Wait, no I didn't die… but what about my relationship with Clarisse? Gods, I know we aren't Percabeth but we matter too.

Xx

_Luke Castilian_

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Seven words.

I.

Never.

Met.

The.

DAMN.

CYCLOPS.

BITCH!

Xx

_Oracle_

Whyyy doess my voice ssounnd like a stereotypical gods damn witch.

Xx

_Quest Prophecy_

So did I get replaced by the Great Prophecy, or what the fuck happened?

Xx

_Zoe_

Poseidon didn't make the sword, _I _did.

Gods, mortal men are such idiots.

Xx

_Circe_

Where am I?

Xx

_Clarisse _

… Bitch please I'm far more bad ass than that.

My Quest Prophecy?

My glory?

…

…

…

…

You know what, screw this I'm done.

Xx

_Thalia Grace_

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT!

What happened to my spiked up hair?

My strong physique?

I look like a skinny ass twig, not a bad ass.

My body became the tree, the tree didn't grow on top of me.

The Golden Fleece doesn't look like that.

You know what, I don't even care anymore, fuck this movie, fuck the director, fuck the plot just have kronos show up here then, huh?

Oh, and if I'm supposed to be like Nineteen in the movie—WHY DO I LOOK LIKE A FREAKING LITTLE GIRL!?

Gods.

Xx

_Sally Jackson_

Where am I?

* * *

**The one good cast for the movie and she's not there.**

**So all in all if you want my honest opinion about the movie, a 6/10, like it wasn't _horrible, _but I think the casting choice for Thalia was incredibly poor. The girl who played Clarisse though, did a _great _job, like she's a really good Clarisse.**

**So if you do go, watch it for Clarisse's actress, she did a great job.**


End file.
